Two businessman finger have an argument and are isolated on white
Originally written for the incredible women of India
When it comes to a relationship, conflicts are inevitable. No matter how compatible you are, how much in love, or how ‘peace loving’, there will be arguments. It’s scientifically impossible for two people to be wired the same, there will be one of you who squeezes the toothpaste diligently from the bottom up (Me) and another who grabs and squirts so the tube loses shape (Not me). There will be one of you who would take the cup to the sink (Not me) the other would place them precariously in every corner of the house. These are bound to create a spat or two in the daily humdrum of life. They may vary given the alphas, betas and gammas in the relationship, but if you, like me, belong to a family of Uber Alphas, anal about how they want things, the conflicts and therefore arguments can get to epic proportions. One thing leads to another and before long you find yourself in a battle or almost a war, trying to prove yourself right, because of course, you are competitive. You’ve always been a winner and there is only one optimum way that the dishwasher can be loaded. Losing isn’t an option. But in this tussle of win and lose between the two of you, where do you think the relationship stays?
Because if you are trying to win, you’ve already lost.
Conflicts are good, they help us grow. A new argument or learning a new fact will get those grey cells working and grow your brain. Any long timers who’ve been with each other for donkey’s years will tell you about the colossal battles that have been fought and the make-up (Sex) thereafter. But how much conflict is too much? What is the end goal? Is it loading the dishwasher properly? Or is it being with each other, sustaining long enough to recognise each other by the smell of Amrutanjan vis a vis Vicks?
In the middle of a hard busy day, it is often difficult to keep a look out for the bigger picture or to remind yourself that both of you are playing for the same team. It is easier to treat another as an adversary or to slip straight into playing a victim, making the other person a perpetrator. Soon, words like ‘always’, ‘never’ start getting used, and skirmishes which can be sorted with a good laugh or a rational conversation, continue to fester and lead to a full-blown war.
Like with everything there needs to be a balance between healthy conflicts versus fights that have the capacity to tear the relationship apart. The question is how do you manage these arguments, ensuring you’ve conveyed your point but not letting it blow to mammoth proportions?
Being open-minded – Just because it makes perfect sense to you and is obvious to you, doesn’t make it right. There are three ways of folding your sock, I grew up knowing none of them. Every time your mind says but that’s how it’s done – ask yourself, what would happen if it’s done the other way?
Gaining perspective – Is the other disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing or because they genuinely are perplexed by your POV? Chances are that the other person is not out to ‘get you’ or ‘hurt you’, they are merrily having trouble understanding a perspective that’s different from theirs’s.
Stopping the one-up ship – You don’t become the better person by putting the other person down. On the contrary, the more you care about winning the less it becomes about your life together. So, probably keeping a score of how many times your instructions have been ignored doesn’t help.
Crying wolf for everything – Remember the example, where a boy played a prank on his village by shouting wolf – wolf every time he was herding sheep? When you are still establishing the relationship dynamics, if you argue about even the smallest of things, sooner or later they’d begin to ignore everything, including things that are non-negotiable for you.
Choosing to walk away – While you can’t control the other person’s words or actions, you can certainly control yours. There are moments in every conflict, when it moves from a simple disagreement to a full-blown fight. The trick is to recognise the changes your body goes through when you start getting angry. You know, short breaths, high bp, palpitations or the likes. And once you do, walk away (after telling the other person of course) till you are back to being in a rational frame of mind.
Dismissing their thoughts – Most likely your partner is sharing something because they believe it to be true, or they are affected by it. To you it may be the most ludicrous thing you’ve ever heard, but to them, it is their reality. The least you can do is hear them out and their reasons.
Knowing your frame of mind – Trying to get relationship domination after having a bad day? Is a bad idea. Most likely your state of mind will not allow for any kind of reason. Why make it worst for yourself, hold on to the thought and share it when you are feeling calmer.
Not standing up for important things – The constant arguments could make us apathetic. We might get into the zone of doesn’t matter nothing is going to change. There can be no bigger disservice than this to your relationship – Not voicing yourself. The day you stop caring about the arguments, it is difficult to get back on track from that. If you are not sharing things that are important to you and are non-negotiable for you, you are taking away the other person’s choice to understand your point of view.
Two people who hate each other don’t argue, arguments are often born out of love. However, if not managed well they can often end in hate.
As John Lennon said – ‘Make love. Not war.’